There's always next time

I woke up early on Wednesday morning and started a blog post. The internet black hole that we sometimes have here seems to have devoured it. I was writing about David, Tammy, Josh, Katy & Ashleigh - how gifted they each are in ministry and how blessed I have been by my time with them here. But you'll just have to take my word for it now! 

I'll be back with the AUMC summer team in 37 days. 

I have a few things to cross off my to-do list this morning:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Annndddd....that's as far as I got on this post before I left Haiti yesterday. 

I started writing while I still in the bed at CLS yesterday, a little after 6 am. I woke up in my own bed at home this morning sometime after 6 am - Haiti time! Which means that instead of sleeping until noon as I'd hoped, I was awake around 5:30 this morning. Oh, well. They say it takes 21 days to form a habit - it would appear that I am now a habitually early riser! I stopped drinking coffee during the gallbladder attack that preceded my surgery (the exceptions being our two trips to Cafe Rebo last week). So, that's 6 & 1/2 weeks as a non-drinker of coffee, 3 weeks as an early riser. Hmmm... These two states of being might prove to be mutually exclusive before too long! 

Saying goodbye yesterday wasn't easy - but it also wasn't quite as gut-wrenching as it usually is, because I'll be returning so soon. I thought for a while there that I wasn't even going to cry. (Yeah, no.) However: I didn't cry very much or for very long. So, three cheers for emotional stability! Remember when Dorothy leaves Oz and has to say her goodbyes? She's returning home - which really is very good news. But, the word "bittersweet" is called that for a reason...

http://youtu.be/X0PO41H7A6I

Saying goodbye to Jovenel is always a challenge for me, emotionally. And he might as well have Middleton DNA, because he's not a very demonstrative person. While I stood and hugged him goodbye yesterday, he just silently leaned into me - for quite some time. I finally said that Edmond better go ahead and start the truck or we'd be standing there all day. I told him how proud I am of him - he truly is becoming more of a leader every day, even as a newly-minted twelve-year-old. And as biased as I may be, I believe with all my heart that God is going to do extraordinary things in and with Jovenel's life. 

Speaking of which, I have to share a little bit about Jovenel's big heart and sweet nature. He sometimes uses one of the older boys' Facebook accounts to message me online. A couple of months ago, he messaged me and asked for a birthday present - but not for him. He had picked out a little electronic toddler "tablet" for his buddy Wiskenley, who's about to turn two. Wiskenley's family lives next door to CLS and his parents Wisnal & Yvenette both work there. He is easily one of the cutest and most charismatic little boys I have ever known. Jovenel likes to think of himself as Wiskenley's big brother, and there is a sweet bond between the two of them. I was touched that Jovenel had picked out a gift for Wiskenley, so I was truly happy to spend the $15 to buy the toy on Amazon.

Even though I think Wiskenley's birthday isn't actually until July, Jovenel wanted to give him the gift while I was there, so we did that on Thursday afternoon. Wiskenley was soooooo excited! I think we'll just call it cuteness overload and let the pictures speak for themselves:

Another special friend in the extended CLS family is Wiskenley's uncle Wilnes, Yvennette's little brother who lives with them. I'm guessing he is somewhere around 10 or 11 years old. He has the sweetest smile you've ever seen and spends a lot of time on the roof of the house behind CLS where they live. It's a special blessing to listen to Wilnes singing as he sits on the roof. He has such a beautiful voice and he seems like he will grow into the kind of man who will always have a song and smile to share with the world. Wilnes doesn't speak very much English - but he definitely speaks better English than I do Creole! Even if communication is limited between us, we are always happy to see each other. 

Between the house where Wilnes lives and CLS is a huge kenep tree which towers up over the roof of the two-story gatehouse. Keneps are a special treat this time of year - they look like tiny limes on the outside & kind of like lychee when you peel them - but they're mostly a big pit with a thin coating of sweet/sour, fruity flesh that you gnaw off with your teeth while you roll one around in your mouth. I don't know that I've ever really had a fully ripe one, because the kids can't resist harvesting them off the tree as soon as they are not too sour to eat. And as much as the kids love them, they are equally as quick to share them! Being the recipient of freshly-picked keneps is quite an honor. 

Wilnes & the keneps he gave me

As special as a gift of keneps is, it's not exactly unexpected. So, I was kind of blown away when I saw Wilnes at the gate one day, and the next thing I knew Jovenel was delivering an entire pineapple that Wilnes had given me! I don't know where he got it or what it cost him, but I was overwhelmed by his generosity. And it was delicious! The next night - my last night - we all shared it for supper and there was even a little left over for breakfast before I left yesterday morning. It really was the sweetest and juiciest pineapple I've had in Haiti (shout out to Katy Harris for peeling and slicing it!) and I don't know that I can accurately describe what a treasure it was to me. 

As I was eating my last bite of pineapple on Thursday night, I noticed this little fleck of skin that was still attached to the fruit. I think its shape says it all:

"Ayiti cheri"

Anyway, my travels yesterday were pretty uneventful - which is what you pray for whenever you fly internationally! Will had to work yesterday afternoon, so Scott and Mark picked me up at the airport on their own. I am not kidding when I say that Mark looks like he has grown three inches in the three weeks I've been gone! I was all but speechless when I saw them waiting for me because I couldn't get over how tall he is. We made a quick stop at Chick-Fil-A in Newnan since I had forgotten to eat lunch yesterday and soon made it home, safe and sound. It was a sweet symmetry to walk in the door and see Will watching the World Cup, since I've been watching a good bit of it with the teenagers at CLS. As tired as I was - and as happy as I was to crash on our sofa! - I hopped in the car with Will to go pick up something for his supper. He filled me in on what he wore to have his senior portraits made (senior portraits what in the what?!?), his class schedule for next year, how great camp was at SIFAT. Just the sound of his voice was music to my ears. When I'd first walked in the door, our two dogs were jumping and running around in blissful jubilation that I was home. I tried to convince Will that he was supposed to react to my homecoming in the exact same way that the dogs had - but there's that Middleton DNA again. :)

A hot shower and a bubble bath were further confirmation that I'm not in Haiti anymore. Luckily, blessedly, thankfully, hopefully, prayerfully, beseechingly - there's always next time! Please Lord, let there always be a next time. 

Until then...

Pacing Myself

I guess I fell off the blogging wagon (which reminds me of a Seinfeld episode, but that's not really the point). Since my last post, the team from First Baptist Church in Williams, Alabama has left and a new team from Beulah Baptist Church in Winter Garden, Florida has arrived. It's amazing to see how much teams can accomplish while there're here and makes me that much more excited about bringing a team back next month!

The two weeks I was here during summer school last year flew by in a flash, so I am grateful that the pacing has been different this time. Usually when I'm here, I feel like every second I'm not with the kids is time wasted - but there's no way I could keep that up for three weeks! So I've allowed myself the leisure of more downtime this trip. Which is interesting, because I feel like I've spent pretty much [can I just say that autocorrect changed "pretty much" to "preyed ichthyosaurs"? That I'm ever able to hit "publish" on this blog is a bigger accomplishment than y'all even know] the same amount of time in the yard with the kids, but I guess the difference is maybe that I go down there without an agenda or feeling like there's anything I need to accompish. I just love them and I love being with them. The opportunity to do so at my "leisure" is such a blessing!

Oh, Kervenson! 

Now, I feel like there's almost nothing about that last paragraph that made sense. Maybe my blogging wagon has a wobbly axle? It probably doesn't help woke up around 4:30 this morning with a not entirely irrational fear that I'll get the mosquito-borne chikengunya virus before I leave on Friday. I seriously just laid in the bed, pleading with Jesus to spare me from this sickness that is running rampant through Haiti this summer. We've got a few girls still in the recovery phase, so we're not in an acute situation with the kids here the way we were the week before last. But the mosquitos are everywhere! I woke up yesterday morning and there were four of them just hanging out on the outside of my mosquito net. Bloodsuckers. So, of course I go to trying to kill them by clapping my hands around them like a maniac - at 7:30 on a Saturday morning, with my roommates sound asleep. And it's almost impossible to avoid mosquito bites, even though I'm layering/alternating essential oil blends with conventional DEET.  I think the only person I've seen here who hasn't gotten any bites was one of the sweet ladies on the Williams team who offered to leave the 100% DEET spray she'd been using. Yikes! I asked her if she thought she'd sustained any nerve damage from it, but she seemed like she was in pretty good shape. :)

David, Tammy, Josh, Katy, Ashleigh and I went on a big outing (for me, anyway) on Thursday. Ms. Sherrie wanted to make sure the kids here would have a good way to watch the World Cup, which is of course a huge deal in Haiti. David was able to get a TV antenna and set it up under the awning on the roof so they get the advantages of both the shade and the sea breezes while they watch the games. First, we went to a huge furniture store across from the US Embassy that reminded me of the palacial stores around High Point, North Carolina. There was definite sticker shock when I looked at the prices, but I think the people around here who can afford to shop there aren't really too worried about it.

Then we went to MSC+ which is like Home Depot (but is not the same as Eko Depot which I've always heard described as being like Home Depot, so maybe I should say that MSC+ is a lot like Lowe's?). There were some very well-priced items there, so I apparently it's all about shopping smart - just like anywhere else in the world! After that, we stopped at BelMart for groceries, so that's two grocery stores I've been to on this trip. I can no longer claim that I never go anywhere while I'm here! 

The United States Embassy (seems legit)

On Friday morning, I rode with Edmond to pick up the CLS distribution from Food For the Poor. There are several relief agencies that make regularly scheduled donations, which makes a huge impact when you consider the number of people that CLS feeds every day, especially when school is in session. FFTP is actually just a few blocks from the school in a large building that is easily visible from the balcony where we enjoy our meals here. This was the first time I've traveled to that side of the neighborhood, though, so it was nice to get a little better understanding of the surrounding community. I think Friday was the last day of school for many Haitian schools, so I'm glad I had the opportunity to see so many sweet children in their brightly colored, perfectly starched uniforms, walking to school hand-in-hand with mom or dad. Just like watching families on their way to worship on a Sunday morning, it's a blessing to see the priority placed on education for as many families as can manage it.   

Knowing that we would be waiting at FFTP for awhile, Ms. Sherrie offered to let me borrow a book from her personal library. I chose one called The Big Truck That Went By: How the World Came to Save Haiti and Left Behind a Disaster by Jonathan Katz. The author was the only American reporter on the scene here when the earthquake struck. I'm only about a hundred pages into it, and Ms. Sherrie said the language gets pretty salty toward the end, but I've already learned a great deal from reading it. From amazon.com: “Beautifully-written, brave, and riveting, The Big Truck That Went By tells the devastating story of the post-earthquake reconstruction effort in Haiti. Weaving together his personal experiences with the knowledge gained from his intensive investigative report, Katz offers us an autopsy of a global relief effort gone wrong. But the book also offers us a moving portrait of the courage, humor, and vision of the Haitians he worked with, offering a glimpse of the possibilities for a different future. Anyone seeking to understand Haiti’s current situation, as well as the broader impasses of our current model of aid, should read this book." —Laurent Dubois, author of Haiti: The Aftershocks of History

Friday afternoon we went swimming at a nearby guesthouse, which was delightfully cooling & relaxing. I know: it's a tough life, right?

And then yesterday's outing was extra-special: Cafe Rebo! I thought Josh and Tammy were nuts when they said we could walk there, because we'd have to cross Airport Road on foot. But the promise of iced coffee and air conditioning was too much to pass up (plus, there's a median in the middle of Airport Road, so it's not too much like a game of Frogger). Rebo is the premium coffee brand in Haiti, and the Cafe is their version of Starbucks, right across the street from their warehouse. It. was. perfection. Josh, Tammy, Katy, Ashleigh and I enjoyed the walk through the neighborhood market and then to the main road. I had never been that far afield on foot before - it's maybe a 10-15 minute walk - and the yummy rewards that await at Cafe Rebo are worth it! 

Chocolate Caramel Frappe - aahhhhh...

Cafe Rebo with (L-R) Ashleigh, Katy, Josh and Tammy

On the way back, we ran into Watson and Cherline in the market. They are students in the afternoon LB class, so that was a special surprise. There's not much to compare with a sweet smile from a familiar face in the middle of a crowded marketplace!

We were blessed to attend Port au Prince Fellowship again this morning. The music was once again great - and I found out on Facebook after church today that one of the songs at the AUMC Resonate service this morning was 10,000 Reasons (Bless The Lord), which was also one of the songs we sang at PAPF! Often on Sunday mornings, I'll pause during worship and wonder what's happening at worship here, what songs the kids have sung, what message they've heard - and then I look at my watch and realize there's probably not any overlap between the time when I'm at worship and when they are. But then on our church-wide winter retreat this February, Reverend Olu Brown shared about the difference in our time (chronos) and God's time (kairos). Since then, I've kind of given my worship experience over to God's time with the assurance that He can somehow weave it into that of the kids here. So, to have had the same song span both chronos & kairos today struck me as pretty cool!

The final song we sang at PAPF this morning was Jesus Paid it All. As we sang the final chorus, the worship leader asked us to really sing it with everything we had. Suddenly, I could hear Jovenel's voice rising above all the others around me, proclaiming:

Oh, praise the one who paid my debt

And raised this life up from the dead

My heart is full, just thinking about it. 

With Jovenel at Port au Prince Fellowship

Whether driving home from church today or in all these "off-campus" adventures this week, there were wonderful sights on the streets that I would love to have captured with a photo. But I just can't bring myself to point a camera phone at people as they are going about their daily lives. Once, I had a guy take my picture at a gas station in Auburn because he said I looked like Julianne Moore. It was random and weird - and it made me wonder where the heck that picture was going to end up. So, although I've gotten some cool glimpses into daily life around here, I'll be tucking them away in my heart rather than posting them here or on Facebook. 

Who's your team? Brazil's colors are on the right, Argentina's are on the left - these are the newly-painted lane barriers on Route de Delmas

Even with all the fun outings and changes of scenery, my heart is always most content here at Christian Light. Whether it's cuddling with one of the little ones, or a conversation about the nature of evil as illustrated in Star Wars, or visiting with the handul of ninth graders who have come to school on their own on a Saturday morning to study for their upcoming national exam: I am just so grateful to have been given this much time here. I will leave in Friday, which on one hand will be too soon. But on the other hand, I've never been away from home this long, so I eagerly anticipate settling into a summertime routine (or is that an oxymoron?) with all three of my boys. Of course, I say that - but Scott will be off to Bolivia before we know it and then he'll be the only one left at home when Will, Mark & I come back to CLS with an AUMC team at the end of July. 

You might see two soccer goals & a piece of plywood, but these kiddos see a DIY pickup truck! 

I suppose what I learned after I left CLS last summer is that I have to find the grace and gratitide in all of it: in the comings and the goings, in the greetings and goodbyes. I wouldn't have it any other way. 

(Except for the mosquito bites. I haven't quite figured out how to be grateful for those!)

And I hear the Savior say

Thy strength indeed is small

Child of weakness, watch and pray

Find in Me thine all in all

For more information about Christian Light School and Children's Home, please visit www.clshaiti.org

Glimpses

I'm trying to remember the little moments when I've thought, "Oh! I need to blog about that!" Those little glimpses of things here that catch my attention briefly but wondrously, like the brush of a butterfly's wings.

Things like riding down the street and seeing a young man settling a piece of crushed cardboard as padding on the top his head, before his friend lifts a flat of 24 glass bottles full of Coca Cola that he'll carry on his head as he walks down the street. The strength in his bearing, but also the grace required for his balance.

Seeing that same strength and grace when Jovenel and Richardson together fill and then carry a 5 gallon bucket of water to their room for bathing, Richardon's free hand resting on Jovenel's shoulder to help balance them both.

More than once, the arms of a feverish little boy clinging to my neck, desperate for an refuge from the fever and the pain, has brought tears to my eyes. Before I came, people asked what I would be doing this trip. I knew that I wanted to have some time with "my" afternoon LB classes before the school year was over, but that was about all I knew for sure and that would only cover a handful of the 20 days I'll be here this time. It turns out that chickengunya virus was about to hit hard with the kids in the children's home - but David has been busy with the fantastically productive teams that have been here, while Tammy has been busy taking over many of the duties of the Haitian staff ladies who have gotten the virus, as well. So this has been perfect timing - perhaps even ordained timing? -for an extra pair of hands around here. Even if God has brought me here at this time solely to care for these kids while they've been sick (and we probably still haven't seen the end of it), then the entire trip will have been worth it for me.

Much of what I have been doing is dosing meds and filling up water bottles to try and keep them hydrated. But there's also been a whole lot of rocking and singing and that gentle back-scratching that was my favorite thing for my mother to do when I was little bitty and didn't feel good. I've had kids of all sizes curl up in my lap over the past week and I've done my best to soothe away the worst of the symptoms. 

Headache has hit some of the kids particularly hard, so I offered to massage the temples of one of the teenage boys (who shall remain nameless for the sake of social media!) who was having a hard time finding relief, even with the meds. So, he sat in the yard while I stood behind him and massaged his temples and the sides of his head, because that's what I always do when Scott has a headache. It seemed to help the pain - but had the added beneift of being riotous entertainment for the boys in the neighborhood who could see us through the gate. Apparently, it was quite the spectacle! I have no idea what they were saying about it - I probably don't even want to know - but when I walked next door on Sunday to check on some of the Haitian workers who are sick, I had quite a following of neighborhood boys by the time I got back to the gate. I don't think they quite know what to make of me, which cracks me up. There's one guy who, every time he sees me, calls out, "chiken, chiken!" so I've started replying with, "gunya, gunya!" Even among the teenage boys who live here, there is a great deal of theatrical pantomime of my checking everyone's fever with my hands on their arms and necks and trying to coax them into drinking some water. So it's nice that I can provide some TLC - as well as our own little version of SNL. :)

Another particular blessing was being here with Jovenel on his birthday last Friday! He woke up with a headache & fever, & I thought for sure that he had gotten chikengunya for his birthday. But a single dose of Tylenol seemed to knock out whatever it was. Even though he's a big 12-year-old boy now, on the afternoon before his birthday, Jovenel let me pull him into my lap and rock him for awhile. I explained that I had gotten to rock Will & Mark when they were little, but I had missed the chance to rock him. I asked if he thought I was crazy, and he smiled a little & nodded - but he indulged me anyway. We had a good, long talk and made another sweet memory together. 

Jovenel & sweet Wiskenly took quite a few pics with my phone the other day - this one is my favorite! 

One other thing that has taken me by surprise is the way God can use an iPhone playlist to capture my attention and remind me of Who He is and why I'm here. I wrote last night about going to church at Port-au-Prince Fellowship and how meaningful the service was on Sunday. I've attended worship there a handul of times now, and it's always been meaningful, in one way or another. They have a great worship band there, and last summer I heard a handful of songs for the first time that would become the basis of my Haiti playlist that I use to more or less curate my feelings about everything that is happening in my heart, my mind and my soul when I'm here - and when I'm not. One of the songs was Oceans by Hillsong United, which I had never heard before they played it at PAPF last June. The lyrics are perfectly powerful for someone like me who has always had the ease of practicing (as Casting Crowns puts it) "deep water faith in the shallow end" but is somehow seeking to trust God, wherever He would call me. That song became kind of a cornerstone for many of us who were serving here last summer, so the first time that our Resonate band at AUMC sang it, I was astonished at the way the Holy Spirit could use corporate worship to speak to me so intimately.

The other song that kind of took my breath away at PAPF last summer was Break Every Chain by Jesus Culture. It's a powerful song on a variety of levels, but one of the primary reasons I was here at that time was to teach the class of restavek children (the Late Bloomer class that I've mentioned in previous posts) who attend school in the afternoons here at Christian Light. So, I had given my heart away to these amazing kids who are literally classified as enslaved by the United Nations - and we start singing a song during worship with the lyrics, "There is power in the name of Jesus to break every chain." I was immediately wrecked. Crying (wet neck then, too - not cute!) and praying and crying out in my heart that the power of Jesus will indeed break the physcial, spiritual and emotional chains that have shackled the precious lives of these kids. 

In fact, one of the boys in the class had worn this shirt to school the Friday before:

June 21, 2013

Again, I'd never heard the song before that Sunday last summmer, but it's another one that we've sung in Resonate at AUMC. That song is another thread that God has used me to both bind me and draw me back to Haiti. So, music has been a powerful influence on my spiritual development and sustenance in the past year - enough so that I don't know why it still surprises me when the Holy Spirit uses music as a means of either revelation or confirmation.

I mentioned in a previous post that last Tuesday the LB class ended up with a substitute teacher. Because I love them so (and perhaps because they literally chanted my name when I walked in the room!) I told the substitute he could go and that I would be their teacher for the afternoon. I did this without a translator in the room, so I don't even know what I was thinking - other than that I'm always grateful for time with them, so why not? After we worked a little on an English lesson, I decided maybe we could just enjoy some music together. So, I got out my bluetooth speaker, turned my Haiti playlist on shuffle and the one song out of 39 to play is Break Every Chain. [Well, of course it was, Lindsey - try to keep up!]

So, what else could I do but try to teach them to sing it?  The initial line is also the chorus and it's very repetitive. So I taught them the sign language for Jesus, and then we pantomimed fists crossed in shackles that we pulled apart with fingers wide when we sang the words "break every chain." They loved it! Did they understand the words and their theological application? Probably not. But it was a reminder to me of how God can use anything at any time to speak to your heart and draw your eye to the things He wants you to see. And if He does it for me, then I can rest assured that He will continue to do it in the lives of these kids, as well - despite their circumstances. It was also a reminder that the chains that bind people come in many forms, and the illusion that these kids are the only people I know in bondage is just that: an illusion. So, that song is always a prompt to pray for those in the "chains" that I can see - and for the ones in chains I can scarely imagine.

Selfie with some of the girls in the LB class at their end of the year party yesterday

It's almost time to go downstairs and start my day. Of course, I have more that I would love to write about, but I'm not going to get very far today if I stay in my pajamas. So, I'll sign off in gratitiude for the ongoing prayers and support from all the people who have made it possible for me to be here. I can't think of a better verse to close with than my favorite verse in all the Bible:

The Lord your God is with you. He is mighty to save. He will take great delight over you. He will quiet you with His love and rejoice over you with singing. - Zephaniah 3:17

Indeed. 

Running To Your Arms

So, apparently the thing about blogging is that the more you have to write about, the less time you have to write it.

I have so much I want to share, but taking care of a succession of about 15 of the kids who live here who've had the chikengunya virus, I've been too wiped out to string any coherent thoughts together. 

However, church was an incredibly special experience yesterday, and I want to write about it while it's still fresh on my mind and in my heart. 

On the way to the airport last Saturday, Scott asked me what I was looking forward to the most about coming back to Haiti. Even though the list was long, the first thing out of my mouth was, "going to church with Jovenel." 

The American staff here attend an amazing ex-pat, English-speaking church called Port-au-Prince Fellowship. Some of the older boys here in the children's home also attend there on a regular basis (the other kids who live at CLS go to a neighborhood Haitian church). Jovenel is starting to earn some of the privileges of being a "big boy" around here (he turned 12 on Friday!), so he is now included among the group that attends PAPF. 

Jovenel & me at Epidor on Saturday. David, Katy & I got to take the children's home kids (who were well enough to go) for ice cream as a reward for those who memorized & recited 1 Thessalonians Chapter 1 (yes: the entire chapter!). 

The Sunday before Christmas when all five of us were here & got to attend church together was a special time for our family. But on my first Sunday here last week, we didn't have room in the truck for the boys to join us, so I was a little sad to have missed the chance to attend worship with Jovenel. (Although that was also the Sunday we had a flat tire on the way to church, so that may have all worked out for the best, anyway.)

So, it was already a blessing just to be at church with Jovenel on Sunday. But before I tell you the rest of the story, I have to cut and paste here what I wrote on Facebook after we returned from our first family trip in March 2013: 

Epiphany Sunday – January 6, 2013 – lived up to its name for me. I was preparing my heart for our upcoming family trip to Christian Light School and Children’s Home (CLS) in Port-au-Prince, Haiti. And I was sitting next to Shanda Foster who had just returned from Haiti where she and her family, along with three other AUMC families, had spent their Christmas at CLS. Up until the moment the service started, Shanda and I were talking about how we as individuals, as families and as a congregation could go beyond periodic mission trips and truly be present in the work that God is doing at and through CLS.

During the sermon, Brother Charles Cummings shared a story that Anthony De Mello tells about a far-off land where a disciple is asked about miracles and replies, "Well, there are miracles and miracles. In your land it is regarded as a miracle if God does someone's will. In our country it is regarded as a miracle if someone does the will of God." Wow.

BC shared this statement in anticipation of how God might be calling each of us in 2013: "There is no situation in life that God’s grace cannot meet you there. Then he went on to ask this question: In 2013, how can you make God’s plain for others? How can you make God’s love visible in a simple, tangible, way?" 

Later in the sermon: “Don’t miss out on anything that God is doing. We’re called to find the dark gaps and just let God’s love shine, so that others can see… that others can be guided

… that others can know that they are loved and know that they are somebody – in the eyes of God and in our eyes, as well.”

Not only did I feel like BC’s words were a direct confirmation of every instinct I had about traveling to Haiti, the music that day spoke to me, as well. Tim Chambliss can correct me if I’m wrong, but I remember singing “Forever Reign” (and if we didn’t sing it that Sunday, we sang it soon after, because I remember crying through the chorus):

 Oh, I'm running to Your arms

 I'm running to Your arms

 The riches of Your love

 Will always be enough

 Nothing compares to Your embrace

 Light of the world, forever reign

What I felt as I sang was this: going to Haiti and running to the arms of Jesus were one and the same.

Fast forward to March 23, 2013 – the day we finally arrived in Haiti. God had definitely used Jovenel, the 10 year old boy whom we sponsor at Christian Light, to call me to Haiti. Literally. Scott and Will had both been to CLS before and spent treasured time with Jovenel in person, but on their trip in May 2012, Jovenel declared that he wanted Mark and me to come on the next trip. So, we began making plans to do just that. Through letters exchanged with Jovenel for some time, I felt that I both knew and loved him – and I eagerly anticipated the day when I could wrap by arms around this child who had already claimed my heart. That moment was just as sweet as I had imagined, and I am so grateful that Scott was able to capture the instant when he leapt into my arms. What you don’t see here is that after our initial embrace, he gently tightened the grip of his arms around my neck – simply, wordlessly, holding on to me, as I lost track of time and everything else that was going on around me. An answered prayer for both of us. 

Looking at this picture now, all I know is this: running to the arms of Jesus led me straight into the arms of a very special little boy. I don’t know where God might be calling you, but I know from experience that His grace waits for you there, with a richness and a fullness that you and I could scarcely imagine on our own.

And because people can’t resist asking: Jovenel is not available for adoption. He already has a home at Christian Light, and we are privileged to anticipate the time that we will spend with him – along with the other children and teenagers that have become so dear to us – there. Whatever Jovenel’s future may hold, he will always be able to count on our love and support. I’m guessing that my arms will always feel a little empty when I’m not with him, but I also know how full they’ll be the next time I travel to Haiti.

Any guesses as to what song we sang at church yesterday at Port-au-Prince Fellowship? Y'all. Really. What are the odds that this one song that always makes me cry when we sing it at AUMC's Resonate service - because that first photo of Jovenel and me is always what I see in my head as we sing it - would be one of the songs Jovenel & I would sing together, standing side by side during worship?

I stood there, awe-struck, trying to sing - but mostly just crying. [Like: crying so much that my neck was wet with tears. It wasn't cute.] 

There's a lot I don't understand about the Holy Spirit, but that was an absolutely anointed moment yesterday - one that began all the way back in January of last year. 

Yesterday was also communion Sunday. Pastor John had us come and receive the elements and then take them back to our seats and hold them until we could all partake of them at once. Sitting there with the communion elements in one hand, clasping Jovenel's hand with the other, was such a sweet, holy moment. My heart swells with gratitude, just thinking about it. 

God is at work here in Haiti in so many ways. He is also at work in me - in ways that I probably can't begin to understand. But as I sit here under a moonlit sky and think about what that worship service meant to me yesterday, I wonder if I got a glimpse into the meaning of Acts 17:28 - "For in Him we live and move and have our being." My prayer is that I can live and move in Him in a way that allows Him to live and move in me. 

Amen. 

Surrounded by sweet faces...

Today is Thursday and it's a teacher work day at CLS, so the school students aren't here. It's an overcast morning with a steady breeze, so it's a nice time to sit in the yard with the kids and try to blog a bit. I am currently surrounded by eight sweet friends who are watching me type this, so I am in very good company!

There is a team from north Alabama leaving today with a group called Mission Firefly, which installed the AMAZING new water filtration system here in February. They only arrived on Monday, but most of the team went up to Cornillon with Ms. Sherrie and David on Tuesday and came back yesterday. One of the teachers here at CLS is from Cornillon, a remote village up in the mountains. Some of the older boys here at the children's home have made trips up there in the last year or so as missionaries to a community that is now the home of a budding satellite school of Christian Light. David took an EMT team up there last summer, and people returning from Cornillion always have exciting and entertaining tales to share. If you're an adventuresome traveler with a servant's heart, you might consider coming to Haiti and heading for the hills! The harvest is plenty but the workers are few in that area of the country.

The team was ready for a change of pace by the time they got back from their long and arduous journey, so they treated us to dinner out last night at a beautiful restaurant in Petionville, a suburb in the hills above Port-au-Prince. The air temperature literally drops as you travel higher into the hills, with vegetation so lush that you see how this half of the island once was a tropical jungle. We ate at La Reserve, a really lovely restaurant and hotel. The food and the company were wonderful, and it was a delightfully refreshing way to spend the evening. We also stopped by a gorgeous hotel/resort called IBO Lele. I messaged Scott last night that we might have to schedule a getaway up there sometime! It's easy for people to miss the beauty of Haiti, which is truly abundant. There are many places here that would be the ideal setting for a tropical vacation! I'm grateful to have gotten a few more glimpses of that last night.

Dining under the calabash trees at La Reserve

Tuesday and Wednesday were good days here at the school. The last few days here are no different from the last days of school in the States: barely restrained chaos! I think seven CLS teachers have been out sick this week - chikungunya being the likely culprit - so things were particuarly rowdy. After the last few weeks of school at Discovery Club, I felt right at home! I spent a good deal of time with the 11th graders - both of them. :) The 11th grade is normally a class of four, but between Kadmiel and Franciscot being in the States (along with Marc, who is in a larger class of 10th graders), & the shortage of teachers, there wasn't much going on in the their classroom. Tuesday they practiced guitar with Kadmiel's brother Jean Elden (who is also in 10th grade). The amount of talent concentrated in those three boys is extraordinary. I could have listened to them all day. 

Oh, and they gave me Creole lessons! I still have a lot - like, a LOT - to learn, but the guys very patiently allowed me to ask a lot of questions that helped me decipher a few things I don't think I would've figured out on my own. 

Yesterday, these students and I watched The Long Walk Home, which I just happened to toss in my bag before I left home. That gave us the opportunity to talk about the Civil Rights movement in America and the value of peaceful protests. We also discussed racism and the way many people confuse socioeconomic issues with racial issues. I shared with them about the situations that Mark and I have witnessed on the Spirit Lake Reservation in North Dakota when we have served there, about the poverty cycle, as well as the way that hopelessness can become cyclical in oppressed people. So, we had something that resembled class for awhile yesterday!

Also: we watched fan reactions to the 2013 Iron Bowl on YouTube, and then they showed me similar videos of fans reacting to soccer games. I think we can call that Social Studies and leave it at that! 

The past two days have also been a blessing in my time with the Late Bloomers class. They had a substitute teacher on Tuesday, but I told him that I would be their substitute. I didn't even think about a translator, so that was a bit of a challenge! But we worked some more on English, and then I taught them some of the songs that I teach the kids at AUMC preschool. After that, they asked to dance, so I played some music on my little bluetooth speaker again - and then we played musical chairs. But that didn't last long because it was in danger of turning into a wrestling match! :) Katy and Allex took a few of the older boys in the class to the sewing room to make some braided fabric bracelets with some beads that she'd bought at the ApParent Project, so we did the best we could to keep everyone busy.

Allex is another friend in the 10th grade class. He is intelligent and hardworking - the kind of student who is disappointed not to have made it all the way through their history textbook this school year. But he's also very generous with his time and energy, so he's someone that you you know you can truly depend on. He has developed a close relationship with Harris family in Auburn, to the point that he and Katy pretty much function as siblings when she's here at CLS. 

Yesterday, Katy & Allex worked with a few more kids on bracelets, while I played a games and hung out with the others. Their teacher Mr. Brucely was there, so his authority made things quite a bit easier in the classroom. It was also helpful that Luc, who lives at nearby Coram Deo, hung out for awhile to translate for me. I had met him briefly when we dropped by there at Christmas, so it was nice to spend a little more time with him. But the very best thing about the LB class yesterday was that Stevalove was there! Of all the kids in that group, I have worried about him the most. He has the sweetest, gentlest spirit - but when I saw him last spring and summer he always seemed so hungry and so, so tired. He's probably 14 or so but has just always seemed so vulnerable to me, and I've cried quite a few tears over him, both here and at home. He wasn't at CLS at all over Christmas because the family he lives with was traveling in the provinces for the holidays. So, I can't begin to describe how happy I was when he walked into the classroom yesterday! His skin tone seemed healthier, his hair is thicker and darker, and he is almost as tall as I am! He still fell asleep in the classroom - which he often did last summer - but it was a true gift from God for me to be able to see him with my own two eyes and know that he is okay.

Stevalove is in Mr. Elionel's class, so I tried to explain to Mr. Brucely how I've worried about him - and of course I started crying. I had to leave the room for awhile so I could pull myself together, which might be an overstatement when you see how wrung-out I look at the photo below:

Stevalove!

In between all that, we've still had several sick kiddos to tend to, both in the school and children's home. With David in Cornillon, Tammy and I have been the nurses/mamas for someone most of the time over the last two days. Miseléne and Exaline are better, but Wilderson and Rosemarline seem to have come down with chikengunya yesterday. Magdala has fever on and off, along with a belly ache, so we're not really sure what she has. The older girls seem to be waiting for me to get sick, because I've spent so much time been tending to the ailing ones - but Emmanuella assures me that she'll come take care of me when I do. ❤️

The only other thing I can think to share right now is how remarkably few pictures I've taken. (A) I forgot my camera and only have my phone, and (B) I feel like in order to take a photo, you have to stop what you're doing and become an observer of it instead. I've been too busy to feel much like an observer on this trip, so I don't have a lot of photos to share yet. I'll try to take some more as I go, though, knowing that there are friends reading this blog who are eager to see the sweet smiles here that they hold dear, wherever they are.

I've managed to sit here for an hour and a half, blogging in the yard, pretty much without incident! I don't want to press my luck, though - so I'm going to wrap this up and "get while the getting is good!"

Thank you so much for your continued prayers and support. 

Grace and peace,

Lindsey

Settling In

[A Wednesday post of Tuesday's blog because the power went out right when I was about to publish it last night.]

To the best of my recollection, today is Tuesday. :) The past two days have been a mix of busy, busy, busy and fun, fun, fun!

Yesterday (Monday) morning, Katy and I went to the Ravine with the baby feeders to weigh the babies in the feeding program. When Ms. Sherrie started the school here, she soon figured out that some of the children were at a serious learning deficit because of the malnutrition they had suffered when they were little. So, one aspect of Christian Light is the Baby Feeding Program in which school staff prepare and deliver nutritious meals to young children in the Ravine, the slum that borders the neighborhood around the school and the home of many CLS stidents. On today's menu was mixture of peanut butter and infant formula, along with a piece of bread, half of a hard-boiled egg and a piece of fruit. Babies must be officially enrolled in the program and are weighed regularly to make sure that they are in fact the beneificiaries of the food they receive. Enrollment and ongoing participation in the program are indicators that the parents will be reliable about getting them to school - because when these babies are three years old, they will be enrolled in the Littlest Angels class here at CLS! It was a revelation to stop and think that the baby in my arms will be a student in uniform, just a few short years from now. By being enrolled in this program as babies, they will be given every opportunity to succeed in their school years - which will open doors that might literally be unimaginable, otherwise!

Katy graciously agreed to record the weights on the charts - which meant I got to hold all the babies as we weighed them! From the tee-niny to the toddlers, some were content cuddlers and some were less than thrilled when mama handed them over. It occurred to me after the first few that my big ol' sunglasses weren't helping the situtation for the ones who were worried to begin with, so I went ahead & took those off. Can't really blame them for that, though - I imagine I looked like a giant bug!

A particular blessing of our time in the Ravine was that I got to see three of the students who were new to the afternoon Late Bloomers class when we were here in December! This class (two classes now, actually) is made up of children who attend CLS for two hours every afternoon through the Restavek Freedom Foundation - www. restavekfreedom.org. Restavek, considered a modern form of slavery by the United Nations, is a system here in Haiti in which children live with families as unpaid laborers under generally harsh - somtimes horrific - circumstances. I fell in love with these kids on my first trip last March and came back last summer so I could be their summer school teacher for two weeks. A number of students were added last fall, so they were divided into two classes. It didn't take me long to figure out that I was outmanned by the size of the combined classes when we were here in December! We had a lot of fun together, but they don't speak enough English (and I certainly don't speak enough Creole!) for us to accomplish very much in the classroom on our own.

I always send back letters and photos after I've been with them, so they know that God loves them, that I love them and that I don't forget them when I'm gone. So, to encounter some of these new friends - who I only just met in December - on the street was such a sweet surprise! I had a few minutes to talk to Sadrac and Shannon (Sadrac actually tailed us for awhile, which was fun) while we were with the babies. The third student was a girl named Loudine who I passed as she was pushing a wheelbarrow through the crowded market. The moment of recognition when our eyes met was so special because her sweet smile lit up her whole face when she saw me. 

{Now, I have to interject here that my inclination is to edit or delete that last sentence because it sounds like it's too much about me - which is certainly not my intention. Our friend Mr. Richard is giving the teacher devotionals this week from the book of Daniel. This morning he said something to the effect that when God is using you, the glory is never yours - it belongs to God. I loved the way he phrased that, and it's what I hope to express in blogging about this trip. So I guess I have to figure out how to talk about what I'm doing without feeling like I'm talking a lot about myself? Sure. Makes perfect sense! I just feel the need to state my desire to always point to God in the things I share - because He is the only reason they are worth sharing.}

One of the reasons I scheduled this trip when I did was because I wanted to be here while school was still in session so I could see the Late Bloomers ("LB") students while they were here during the school year, with the structure of their regular classroom teachers. So, as I said: to get to see them outside the school setting was a particular blessing, as well as a reminder of the value in investing as much time as we - both the Middleton family and our AUMC family - do here. Of their two teachers yesterday, Mr. Elionel was completing the report cards for both classes, so Mr. Brucely combined the classes and let me work with them on English for a little while. The students range in age from about 9 - 17 years old, but are only now learning to read and write (hence the term, "Late Bloomers"). The amount of English they know now compared to what they knew last year is just astonishing and is a testament to the dedication of their teachers here at CLS. They were able to read basic words in English from the cards I held up and many knew what the words meant as soon as they read them! These are such smart, sassy, funny kids - but they never get the chance to be kids because of their living situations. To see them thrive in the classroom is a blessing that is hard to overstate. They deserve every chance in the world, and it is my ongoing prayer that they will each see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.

Jean Wilson's selfie :)

The rest of my day yesterday had a lot to do with trying to make sure that Miseléne was okay as she fought off the chikengunya fever and loving on Jean Wilson since Micah and Rachel had just headed home to Maine. Miseléne's fever was up to 104 at one point and the Advil I gave her barely touched it. The girls' nanny Madame Nonot (no idea how to spell that properly!) gave her a cool bath which finally brought her temperature down, but it climbed back up toward 103 again last night. It was such a relief to see Miseléne up and around today, and her temperature was almost back to normal this evening. Thank you for your prayers for her! One of the older girls came down with a fever this morning, so please continue to pray for quick healing and that the effects of this virus will be minimal here.

Jovenel and puppy Sam, who barely survived the illness that killed his sister & is only now beginning to thrive. Thankfully, God has called a Tuskegee vet school alum to serve here in Haiti & she took excellent care of Sam until he was well enough to return to CLS. 

I had planned to write about both yesterday and today - but it's almost 11 o'clock here now, so I think I'll go to bed instead. I'm so grateful to have so much that I want to share! "Showers of blessing, indeed."

Never a dull moment! (But really, though...)

I arrived at Christian Light in Haiti yesterday after a blessedly easy day of traveling. I even made a friend on the plane! My seatmate was a Haitian-American named Jean who lives in Atlanta. We chatted on the flight and at baggage claim, and then he waited with me inside until I had all my bags because he didn't want me to have to navigate the rigors of the airport parking lot by myself. As David Gunter, a fellow Alabamian serving full-time here at CLS likes to say: you meet the nicest people in Haiti! Turns out Jean is in the home repair & construction business in Atlanta. He has two clients in Auburn & mentioned coming over to paint the trim on a house there. Guess whose trim needs painting? Not that we couldn't hire a house painter in Auburn, but I did get Jean's phone number before we parted at the airport. You just never know when God is going to schedule a divine appointment! 

It was such a sweet blessing to be greeted by David and Tammy (who was also here last summer for just a few weeks and is now here full time!) at the airport - and then by all the sweet kiddos in the play yard when we got to CLS. The choruses of "Miss Lindsey! Miss Lindsey!" were admittedly music to my ears. Within just a short while, the Americans here loaded up to go out for a farewell dinner for Micah and Rachel, as they are finishing up just over a year of serving at Christian Light to head back to the States in anticipation of the birth of their first child! They have been such a blessing during their time here - particularly in all the physical and emotional nourishing they have provided for sweet little Jean Wilson - and it will be sad to see them leave tomorrow!

Jean Wilson and his two mamas. Bernadette comes to visit every week, and I know she is so grateful for the way that Rachel and Micah have nurtured him from literal starvation in November to the happy, healthy boy he is today.  The hope is that Jean Wilson will return to live with his Bernadette when she is able to fully care for him on her own. And then in just a few short years, he'll be attending Christian Light!

We had planned to go get sushi at the UN compound. Scott half-jokingly asked before I left if I thought I might get some sushi this trip, so I was thrilled! But, alas: the sushi place closes at 4 on Saturdays. :( There's another restaurant onsite, though, so we enjoyed a nice meal there from a varied menu: Ms. Sherrie had a banana split for supper and Rachel had a veggie burger with bacon!

It was after dark when we got back to CLS, and I had a little time to tell the younger boys goodnight. I still hadn't managed to unpack anything or really catch my breath, but it was about that time that we realized that Vidlon was crying desperately with recurring pain he'd been having all week. Vidlon is almost 7 years old and he's a pretty tough cookie, so the amount of pain he seemed to be in was worrisome. Katy (here from Auburn, as well) had asked for prayer for him on Facebook on Thursday because he was having such a hard time, but he had woken up on Friday feeling much better. Even so, the pain seemed to have returned with a sudden fierceness last night. Because of the ongoing nature of the pain that didn't really fit the profile of the standard illnesses around here, David & Ms. Sherrie decided he needed to go to the hospital.

I had just been saying at supper that I never go anywhere while I'm here - outings are usually planned for the afternoons, which is when the Late Bloomers class I've worked with is in session. Well, time for a field trip! Ms. Sherrie suggested I accompany David to the hospital with Vidlon. I had already gotten help from Tcharly to get Vidlon in the truck, and I was just waiting with him, singing softly to him while he cried. When it was decided I would go, I ran upstairs to get my purse & phone - so much for catching my breath! But I was truly glad to go, just so there would be a mama on board for what might be a long night.  By the time I got back downstairs, David had Vidlon sitting in the front seat with the air conditioner on full-blast. Multiple vents of AC all to yourself is a pretty rare occurrence for the kids here, so I think the wonder and delight of that privilege helped settle him down quite a bit.

Vidlon

We went to Bernard Mevs Hospital, which is only a few miles away.  The triage room was set up like a small clinic, and we had the blessing of a pediatrician already being there. When we arrived, the other patients were all children, but in the two hours we were there, one man came in with what was either a dislocated jaw or tetanus, and another man with two jagged cuts on the side of his neck. The combined Haitian and Canadian nursing staff were pleasant and kept things running pretty smoothly. They were so impressed with Vidlon's sweet nature and his speaking English so well. He wasn't crying anymore, and was very quiet and patient as we waited. He stayed curled up in my lap while I continued to try to just love on him and sing quietly to him. Because his pain was closer to his sternum than his belly, David was concerned about possible pancreatitis. They didn't have everything in the lab needed to run his bloodwork, so it was decided after examination by the pediatrician that he wasn't critical, and the bloodwork could wait until we could get to the lab downtown on Monday. They gave him a "GI cocktail" which seems to have alleviated his symptoms, as he hasn't reported any pain today. As Sherrie said on Facebook earlier, perhaps God simply healed Vidlon - which was certainly what we all prayed for last night.

We were back before 11 and I was in bed by 11:30, so it was yet another blessing to be able to go to the hospital and still be asleep before midnight!

And because there's an adventure around every corner here in Haiti, we had a flat tire on the way to church this morning. The spare was also flat, so David and some Haitian Good Samaritans took the tire around the corner to be patched. Apparently new tires are a fairly rare commodity here, so you never have to walk very far to find someone in the tire-patching business.

We were on a residential street when we realized the tire was flat, so the other ladies & I just waited in the shade until it was fixed.The streets of Port-au-Prince on a Sunday morning are a delight, because you see so very many people walking to church. The phrase "Sunday best" is epitomized here in the way everyone is dressed, and it's lovely to see the value that many people place in going to worship. It was nice just to tell people good morning and admire all the beautifully dressed children - who are always quick to share a sweet, shy smile. Was the delay an inconvenience? Perhaps. But it still was a blessing in its own way.

We got to Port-au-Prince Fellowship at 9:15 for the 8:30 service (we had left CLS at 8), but even the little bit we heard of Brother John's sermon was worth the trip. He talked about hope - I took notes, so I'll have to look back and process it a bit more - and the misplaced hope we sometimes have in the world around us.  My favorite part was when he said that the Communists in Russia once promised a new coat for every man. Pastor John countered that Jesus seeks to put a new man in every coat. You just about have to say "amen" to that!

We've had a fairly quiet afternoon around the school. I tried to nap for a bit, with limited success, but I think the rest did me good. At Ms. Sherrie's request, I brought a few of the kids up on the balcony where we have our meals so they could finish some thank you posters for several donors in Canada who sent an entire shipping container of supplies for missions in Haiti. In addition to some other goodies, CLS got a full-sze photocopier - which is a pretty big deal. I got out my portable bluetooth speaker, so we could listen to music as we colored the posters. When I asked what kind of music they wanted to listen to, they all said church music, so I chose my "Haiti" playlist, made up of songs that speak to me about God's calling on my heart to be here. To hear those songs play while sitting alongside some of these sweet boys and girls that I think about when I sing along at home was yet another blessing.

Pame is all about a selfie!

Speaking of music, I posted a video on Facebook this afternoon of some of the younger kids singing "Let it Go" from the movie Frozen. They had been singing it for what seemed like at least an hour when I recorded it.  It's astonishing - and kind of hilarious - to think what universal appeal that song seems to have!

There are of course dozens of other things I could write about tonight - the sheer beauty of the mountains when the sun hits them just so in the afternoons, how proud I am of Jovenel in all he says and does, the sweet new friends who left today and the sweet "old" friends who dropped by after supper - but I'm going to have to figure out how to edit myself if I'm going to have any success in blogging! I'm a bit of a sharer - perhaps you've noticed?

I'm so grateful to all the people who have supported me in getting here and I want to share as much as I can. However, I also want to sleep as much as I can, so you know: balance. I desperately want to go proofread this thing to pieces, but that would be pulling a string that I'd be knitting back together all night! So, I'm just going to trust y'all to embrace the fact that I'm a much better speller than typist.

I do want to quickly ask for prayer for Miseléne, a ten-year-old girl here who seems to have come down with chikengunya fever today - a mosquito-borne virus that is making it's way through this area like a freight-train. It is characterized by fever, rash and miserable joint pain, and she was just pitiful this evening. Hopefully it will pass quickly. So far, I have managed to avoid mosquito bites with a varied regimen of insect repellents, but I know that tomorrow will be a busy day once school is in session, so I will have to be especially vigilant about that.

I am simply filled with gratitide to be here tonight, enjoying the evening breeze and the feeling of contentment that I always seem to have when I'm here at Christian Light. To consider that I'm less than three weeks past gall bladder removal surgery is still mind-boggling to me. That I have both the energy and capacity to plow through all that has happened in the last 36 hours is a testament to Divine Providence. With continued measures of God's grace, I look forward to whatever tomorrow may hold!

Comfort Rezone

Oh, how I need to be getting ready for bed right now. I'll leave for the airport in - what, 31 hours? I have a lot on both my mind and my to-do list for tomorrow. But I think I need to organize my thoughts a bit before I attempt sleep.

I am thrilled to be going back to Haiti on Saturday! Truly. I went for a two-week solo trip last summer and I wasn't ready to come home when my two weeks were up. I immediately started planning for another trip this summer, hoping for a way to finagle more time at Christian Light. I was actually in a bit of a funk after returning last June, and it took some time for me to sort out the ways in which God was trying to teach me that contentment in Him means contentment anywhere He wants me to be. What a bizarre realization that I was struggling with contentment in my own home, with my own family. 

Last summer, I had a hard time striking the balance between the children of my heart in Haiti and the two right here in my own home. I knew that God wanted me to love the kids in Haiti in a big way, but never at the expense of the ones He knit together in my womb. Of course I didn't neglect my kids in any clinical way, but the discontent I felt after coming home from those two weeks was not good for me or my family. It took me awhile to see that, but I knew it was an important lesson that I needed to learn.

With Jovenel, June 2013

Fast-forward to this summer. Haiti in general, and the children at Christian Light School and Children's Home (CLSCH) in particular have become so precious to me, so primary in my heart. I wonder how God is calling me there, how He might be calling our family to long-term service (what would that even look like? when? how? seriously? here I am, Lord, send me!). I spent 31 days over three trips last year at CLSCH. I was (a) never once ready to leave and (b) hopelessly envious whenever anyone else I knew was there.

So, when it came time to schedule this trip, I wanted to gobble up as much time as I could. I played around with the dates for awhile, waiting for fares to drop, trying to decipher what would be a reasonable amount to pay against what would be a feasible amount of time to be away from my family. Last year, two weeks felt like short shrift - but somehow three weeks felt like it would just be too long. So, I prayed about it and figured that God would guide me to the right decision. I felt that happen when I told our sons I was having a hard time figuring out how long I should be gone. When the two of them - who rarely agree on anything - both quickly and easily said that I should totally do the three weeks, no brainer, what's for supper, I assumed that God had given me the comfort of allowing them to make the decision for me.

But, now it's almost time to leave. And three weeks is SUCH a long time! I've never been away from my husband or my children that long. My youngest will go to the same camp I attended at his age, but I won't take him or pick him up. I'm in tears now, just typing that. What will I miss that I can't even anticipate? Why does this feel like an unraveling?

And then tonight, as I was repacking overweight suitcases and shifting clean laundry around rather than just putting it away already, it hit me: "God never calls you inside your comfort zone." I heard Tony Evans say that on the radio around 14 years ago and it kinda blew my mind at the time. I've tested it out over and over in the years since, and I've never found it not to be true. It wasn't so long ago that mission work of any kind was wildly outside my comfort zone. Going to Haiti wasn't really even on my radar until about two years ago. But God called me through Jovenel, the child of my heart whom we've sponsored at CLSCH for several years now - how marvelous, how wonderful! And what had once been unimaginable had soon become so dear, so precious, so...comfortable? 

Honestly, I throw that Tony Evans quote around all the time in Sunday School, in Bible study, even on Facebook every now and then. Because I know all about it! God has called me out of my comfort zone. Have I told you about Haiti? Would you like to buy a keychain to help fund my trip? Here, let me show you my t-shirt, bracelet, profile pic in case you've somehow missed it. What I had somehow missed was the way in which my comfort had been rezoned to include CLS. 

I realized tonight that this three weeks is outside of my comfort zone, even as I journey to one of the places on all the earth that is dearest to my heart. The geography is the same, but the territory is new, because I'm stepping out farther - in time, at least - than I've gone before. It's not exactly walking on water, but it's leaning out of the boat a bit too far for this mama's heart.

I was trying to explain a little of this to my sweet friend Tamara yesterday, trying to express my misgivings without sounding like I wanted to unpack my suitcase. She wisely and lovingly pointed out that genuinely serving God is supposed to be a sacrifice. Both Exodus 23:19 and 34:26 says, "The best of the firstfruits of your ground you shall bring to The Lord your God." Even in what had become my CLSCH comfort zone, I was still making an sacrificial offering God: my time, my heart, the financial resources required to get us there. But if those things are all inside my comfort zone, then can they be counted among my firstfruits?

I always pray that God will use me, that He will grow me, that He will give me words to speak and eyes to see. I've even prayed that axis-tilting prayer: "break my heart for what breaks Yours." But tonight (it's past midnight now, so: this morning) I pray that God will take this ache in my heart and use it to draw me closer to Him, that I will more readily rely on Him instead of my perceived self-sufficiency and that His light will shine in this weathered jar of clay.

I will miss my family. Terribly. But I won't waste this time away from them. I give it to God to do with what He wills, knowing that He will give me manna to sustain me, knowing that my days will be filled with love and laughter and hard work and sweet smiles, knowing that He is enough.

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior
"Oceans," Hillsong United

Family picture with Jovenel, December 2013