June 27, 2015

I've done a lot of reading online today. I saw several scriptures repeatedly quoted in response to the Supreme Court decision declaring marriage equality is a constitutional right in all 50 states.

I've seen references to Sodom and Gomorrah today, but somehow this one didn't come up:

Now this was the sin of your sister Sodom: She and her daughters were arrogant, overfed and unconcerned; they did not help the poor and needy. (Ezekiel 16:49 NIV)

That one hits a little close to home. Because today I threw out a kitchen garbage bag full - literally - of food from not one but TWO freezers at our house. Food that I bought but apparently had so little need for that it expired before we ever got around to eating it.

So maybe I was a bit more sensitive to another oft-quoted scripture today:

Or do you not know that wrongdoers will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor men who have sex with men nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. (1 Corinthians 6:9-10 NIV)

How can someone who hoards food in two freezers and throws it away rather than eat it NOT be considered greedy?

I've read today that God is grieved by the Supreme Court decision. But I can't help but wonder how He feels every day about the contents of my trash can. And my pantry. And my closet. There are five verses in the bible that address homosexuality. Compared to how many verses about caring for the poor? Somewhere in the neighborhood of 300.

As Americans, we are allowed to feel what we feel - and we are free to say what we want to say. But as Christians, we are advised to first get rid of the log in our own eye before we can see well enough to address the speck in someone else's.

I've read a lot today from Christians writing about other people's sins. Which is something I'd have a hard time doing. Because there are children in Lee County who went to bed hungry tonight as a big bag of wasted food thaws in my trash can outside.

As for the Supreme Court ruling, the Bible tells us in 1 John 4:7 that love is of God. To me, that means that wherever there is love, there is God. I trust that He is big enough to work out all the other stuff. I n the meantime, I know He has plenty of work still to do on me!

Asking the Right Questions

I've heard the question asked more than once in (or after) Haiti, "Did I even make a difference here?" 

I can relate. This has been a very different trip for me, in ways that I can't really quantify or express. But I have wrestled with frustration and discouragement on this trip like never before. Problems abound here - and most days, it feels like every solution only generates a new set of problems. I've found myself repeatedly humming a line from a Don Henley song, "The more I know, the less I understand..." Trying to get down to the heart of the matter? Um, yeah. 

So have we made a difference here over the past two weeks? It doesn't really feel like it, no. 

But here's the thing I think this trip has taught me: we (and by "we" I mean Americans/foreigners in general) are not supposed to be the difference-makers. We are here to pour love, support, prayer and instruction into the Haitians (young and old) who are and will be the difference-makers. 

I'm trying to think of analogies: maybe wanting to be the star of the show when you're actually called to be the set designer? Being the chef when you're supposed to be peeling potatoes? Either way, confusion over these roles seems to lead to frustration and discouragement. So then  maybe clarity about this distinction might be what is needed to keep hope alive when doubt (and even despair) creep in. 

The question to ask in Haiti is not, "Did I make a difference?" but rather, "Who around me is Haiti's hope for a brighter future, and what did I do to empower them today to make a difference here tomorrow?"

Unfortunately there are a some harder, implied questions to consider, "Who around me is so sick or vulnerable that there may not be much future left for them? How can God use me to bring peace and comfort that they might have the chance see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living?"

So, then. Where and how can we make our most enduring contribution to God's kingdom work in Haiti? Some of the things we do for the Lord here will be big things and some will be small, but we can't fall into the trap of measuring our efficacy here by how big of a wave we make, by how visible the results of our efforts might be. 

Jovenel's dad Josué told me when we were here in December, "whatever you do for the Lord is a blessing, no matter how small - even if it's only a cup of water." This was only days after I had held a cup of cold water to the lips of a child named Kenise at a special needs orphanage here in Port-au-Prince. I suspected at the time - and sadly, it has since been confirmed - that Kenise was dying. The cold water was the only thing that soothed her, and the it was cold because it was chilled in a refrigerator an AUMC team had bought for the house only a few months before. Giving her that water was a holy moment for me - and for my friend Kelly who was back in the States at the time, but who loved Kenise with a mother's love from the moment she laid eyes on her. Kelly was on the team who bought the refrigerator, and I truly felt like a conduit for her love and for Christ's love during the time I tried to comfort Kenise. 

It was a moment orchestrated by God - which I believe was confirmed by Josué's words just a few days later. Was it a moment that will impact the future of Haiti? Not that I can discern. But it reminded me then - and reminds me now - that God is at work here, even in the smallest details. He will use if me if I let Him, if I trust Him enough to surrender even the saddest of outcomes to His design. 

In our service in Haiti, we're tempted to think that we should focus on being a foot soldier rather than the captain. But I'm increasingly thinking that we're neither. We're the equivalent of the cooks in the kitchen or maybe the uniform suppliers. (And some of us are the USO volunteers back home!)  It will be the Haitians who are both the captains and the foot soldiers in the battle for the future of this country - so how are we equipping them? Education, health care, nutrition, job training, leadership development, family planning, etc., - all in the context of knowing Christ and making Him known. 

And for those sweet babies who won't be healed this side of heaven, who won't get the chance to grow up to be foot soldiers or captains, either one - maybe we'll be honored with the chance to hold them close and pray over them for a brief moment or two before they go. 

God is at work in Haiti, and many hands are needed. But discouragement lurks behind every corner. Maybe that's because applying an American measure of success here is like a trap in and of itself. We want to make a measurable, quantifiable difference. And if we can't be sure that we've done that, then what's the point? 

[Not losing sight of the fact that the biggest trap at the enemy's disposal is that if I can't quantify the benefit of my my contribution here, then I just won't to anything at all.]

And of course I have to point out that there are Americans and other foreigners who are making huge, visible, measurable differences in Haiti every single day. Conjoined twins were recently separated at a nearby hospital by a surgical team made up of specialists from around the world. Talk about visible results! Clearly, there are a great many quantifiable successes accomplished here every day, and I don't want to undermine those in any way. I'm just saying that they can't be our only measure of value. 

In eight trips amounting to 96 days over the past 27 months in Haiti, I've been privileged to participate in more and more "real life" here. And while that has blessed me immeasurably, it's also left me with some outright doubts about how on earth the hope that God has planted here can ever be realized. If my time here raises more questions than it answers, then I have to consider: am I even asking the right questions? 

Who is the future of Haiti? It's not us. It was never supposed to be us. And as much as we would like to have a crystal ball to see the future of Haiti so we know how best to contribute, that would be the opposite of faith. We show up here, trusting God that He will use us and prosper the work of our hands today to accomplish His present and future purposes in Haiti. Maybe we'll see results in our lifetime - maybe we won't. But we trust Him, either way. We trust Him with our American standards of deliverables: what can we see? How can we know if it's enough? But we must also learn to trust Him the with that all too common Haitian experience of manna, of God's provision of daily bread: was it enough for today and today alone? 

If we will surrender the desire for a crystal ball and instead pick up the jar to harvest manna (ever mindful that it will only be sufficient for today), then maybe we can learn to trust God that it is indeed enough - not because we are enough, not because our efforts here are enough, but because He is here. And He is enough. 

Connecting the Dots

So, is there such a thing as a Bible study fangirl? Because I think I might be one.

I have some really cool things I want to share here about our Christmas trip to Haiti, and they're all rolling around in my head. But I made two notes earlier today about readings in Exodus that I think I'd like to blog about sometime. And then I had a third revelation - an epiphany, if you will - while brushing my teeth tonight that I think I'm just going to have to go ahead and share.

As a quick note of explanation, I'm currently in a Disciple II Bible study for my second go-around. I think maybe that's what puts me in the fangirl category. This is a study I first took nine years ago, but my memory is just bad enough and my faith walk is just farther enough along, that it truly is like I'm taking it for the first time!

Long-term Bible studies have been such a game changer for me. They are like one big connect the dots puzzle, and I'm in awe every time I see all those little dots link to form a recognizable image. Sometimes the image I see is of God, sometimes it is of myself. But I've come to recognize these moments as revelations: personal encounters with the Living God. These moments are His revealing/unveiling of who He is and the story He is telling - and then He goes further still with the revelation of how those things apply to the life I'm trying to live for Him. 

Anyway, this week we're wrapping up our Old Testament readings of (primarily) Genesis and Exodus. Next week, we'll begin our New Testament readings of Luke and Acts. Reading the last 15 chapters of Exodus was a little trying at times (urim and thummim go where? why exactly are we splattering blood on the priests' ears, thumbs, and big toes? that sort of thing). So I pulled out one of my favorite biblical resources, The Schocken Bible, Volume 1 (http://www.amazon.com/The-Five-Books-Moses-Deuteronomy/dp/0805211195). It is what I would call a very Hebrew-centric translation by Everett Fox of the first five books of the the Bible, and I find both the translation and the commentary very insightful. 

As tedious as these closing chapters of a Exodus can sometimes be, I'm actually kind of a fan(girl!) of the descriptions of the tent of meeting and the specifications to build it. Another word for the tent of meeting is Tabernacle. Maybe it's because my paternal grandparents founded and ran an interdenominational holiness camp meeting every summer for decades and worship there took place in an open-air tabernacle. But it's a word that just seems to draw me close. 

Years ago (I honestly can never remember where or when I heard most of the stuff that I think is really cool, but I totally fact checked this one in Strong's Conordance), someone pointed out that the verb dwelt in John 1:14 "the Word was made flesh and dwelt among us" is a word that essentially means "tabernacled." So, Jesus encamped among us - He pitched His tent with us in the same way God did in the desert with the Israelites. And because I love that image so, I'm always intrigued by the Exodus passages that describe the making and equipping of the original Tabernacle itself. 

So, I'm good, right? But I figured I'd be better if I could wade through some of this with the Fox commentary, which is what I read this evening. He makes some great points about how in Exodus 29:20 the ears, thumbs and big toes represent the extremities of the priests' bodies, so including them is symbolic of the anointing of their entire bodies. Also, he points out that observation of the Sabbath being so closely connected with the Tabernacle (Exodus 31) has no known equivalent in the ancient world. He writes, "The Dwelling account presents us with a people for whom sacred time takes precedence over sacred space." There is some very cool stuff here!

Then I read this, "In Exodus, the coffer [the term Fox uses for the ark of the covenant, probably to drag our attention away from images of Raiders of the Lost Ark] literally plays a central role. It stands in the innermost recesses of the Tabernacle, at the sacred center. Considering what the coffer contained - tablets with God's words on them rather than statues of gods - it addresses the primacy of divine word over divine representation in ancient Israelite thought." And this kind of blows my mind. For years, I have been captivated by the idea that Jesus tabernacled with us here on earth - but it had never really occurred to me that what was represented by those tablets in that ark within the Holy of Holies was the WORD of God. 

The Word of God at the heart of the tabernacle among God's people in the Book of Exodus. 

The Word of God tabernacling among us in the Book of John. 

The miracle of Emmanuel - God with us. Right there in Exodus. Once again in that familiar passage in John. And yet again, today! 

Does it get any cooler than that?

Oh, yes. Yes, it does. 

Within the ark of the covenant: God's word. God's presence. 

God with us. Emmanuel. Our Deliverance. 

And what do we know about other arks in the Bible? 

The ark in Genesis 6:14. Deliverance - for Noah and all humankind. 

The basket that Moses' mother placed him in among the reeds along the edge of the Nile - an "ark of bulrushes." Again: Deliverance - for the baby Moses and ultimately for the people of God.

Connecting the dots. An image emerges! 

And then there's the veil. 

The veil in Exodus 26 within which the ark of the covenant was placed, with the veil serving as a partition between the holy place and the holy of holies - this, so that a sinful person might not erringly approach the presence of God. 

This would become the same veil that was torn in two with Jesus' death in the cross (Matthew 27:50-51, Mark 15: 37-38, Luke 23:45-46). God's Word set loose in the World, His presence accessible to all. 

The written word of God veiled in the Temple, unleashed as the the embodied Word of God (Logos) paid the final, complete sacrifice on the cross. And now we are the temple of the Living God?

Talk about connecting the dots!

I know that a lot of people are put off by studying the Old Testament - at times it seems archaic and maybe even anachronistic. But the Bible is ultimately one story of one Savior. It just happens to be told across the span of two testaments. 

And, yes: Bible Study is a big commitment. I'm going to be sleepy at mine tomorrow because I stayed up too late tonight writing this blog! 

But then I think about my favorite story in the Bible: Jesus' encounter with the woman at the well. Jesus met her there where she was. And He continually meets me where I am, in the study of His word. Even when I procrastinate, even when I skim some parts, even when I get sidetracked by Facebook in the middle of my reading. He meets me there. And I wouldn't trade it for the world. 

There's always next time

I woke up early on Wednesday morning and started a blog post. The internet black hole that we sometimes have here seems to have devoured it. I was writing about David, Tammy, Josh, Katy & Ashleigh - how gifted they each are in ministry and how blessed I have been by my time with them here. But you'll just have to take my word for it now! 

I'll be back with the AUMC summer team in 37 days. 

I have a few things to cross off my to-do list this morning:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Annndddd....that's as far as I got on this post before I left Haiti yesterday. 

I started writing while I still in the bed at CLS yesterday, a little after 6 am. I woke up in my own bed at home this morning sometime after 6 am - Haiti time! Which means that instead of sleeping until noon as I'd hoped, I was awake around 5:30 this morning. Oh, well. They say it takes 21 days to form a habit - it would appear that I am now a habitually early riser! I stopped drinking coffee during the gallbladder attack that preceded my surgery (the exceptions being our two trips to Cafe Rebo last week). So, that's 6 & 1/2 weeks as a non-drinker of coffee, 3 weeks as an early riser. Hmmm... These two states of being might prove to be mutually exclusive before too long! 

Saying goodbye yesterday wasn't easy - but it also wasn't quite as gut-wrenching as it usually is, because I'll be returning so soon. I thought for a while there that I wasn't even going to cry. (Yeah, no.) However: I didn't cry very much or for very long. So, three cheers for emotional stability! Remember when Dorothy leaves Oz and has to say her goodbyes? She's returning home - which really is very good news. But, the word "bittersweet" is called that for a reason...

http://youtu.be/X0PO41H7A6I

Saying goodbye to Jovenel is always a challenge for me, emotionally. And he might as well have Middleton DNA, because he's not a very demonstrative person. While I stood and hugged him goodbye yesterday, he just silently leaned into me - for quite some time. I finally said that Edmond better go ahead and start the truck or we'd be standing there all day. I told him how proud I am of him - he truly is becoming more of a leader every day, even as a newly-minted twelve-year-old. And as biased as I may be, I believe with all my heart that God is going to do extraordinary things in and with Jovenel's life. 

Speaking of which, I have to share a little bit about Jovenel's big heart and sweet nature. He sometimes uses one of the older boys' Facebook accounts to message me online. A couple of months ago, he messaged me and asked for a birthday present - but not for him. He had picked out a little electronic toddler "tablet" for his buddy Wiskenley, who's about to turn two. Wiskenley's family lives next door to CLS and his parents Wisnal & Yvenette both work there. He is easily one of the cutest and most charismatic little boys I have ever known. Jovenel likes to think of himself as Wiskenley's big brother, and there is a sweet bond between the two of them. I was touched that Jovenel had picked out a gift for Wiskenley, so I was truly happy to spend the $15 to buy the toy on Amazon.

Even though I think Wiskenley's birthday isn't actually until July, Jovenel wanted to give him the gift while I was there, so we did that on Thursday afternoon. Wiskenley was soooooo excited! I think we'll just call it cuteness overload and let the pictures speak for themselves:

Another special friend in the extended CLS family is Wiskenley's uncle Wilnes, Yvennette's little brother who lives with them. I'm guessing he is somewhere around 10 or 11 years old. He has the sweetest smile you've ever seen and spends a lot of time on the roof of the house behind CLS where they live. It's a special blessing to listen to Wilnes singing as he sits on the roof. He has such a beautiful voice and he seems like he will grow into the kind of man who will always have a song and smile to share with the world. Wilnes doesn't speak very much English - but he definitely speaks better English than I do Creole! Even if communication is limited between us, we are always happy to see each other. 

Between the house where Wilnes lives and CLS is a huge kenep tree which towers up over the roof of the two-story gatehouse. Keneps are a special treat this time of year - they look like tiny limes on the outside & kind of like lychee when you peel them - but they're mostly a big pit with a thin coating of sweet/sour, fruity flesh that you gnaw off with your teeth while you roll one around in your mouth. I don't know that I've ever really had a fully ripe one, because the kids can't resist harvesting them off the tree as soon as they are not too sour to eat. And as much as the kids love them, they are equally as quick to share them! Being the recipient of freshly-picked keneps is quite an honor. 

Wilnes & the keneps he gave me

As special as a gift of keneps is, it's not exactly unexpected. So, I was kind of blown away when I saw Wilnes at the gate one day, and the next thing I knew Jovenel was delivering an entire pineapple that Wilnes had given me! I don't know where he got it or what it cost him, but I was overwhelmed by his generosity. And it was delicious! The next night - my last night - we all shared it for supper and there was even a little left over for breakfast before I left yesterday morning. It really was the sweetest and juiciest pineapple I've had in Haiti (shout out to Katy Harris for peeling and slicing it!) and I don't know that I can accurately describe what a treasure it was to me. 

As I was eating my last bite of pineapple on Thursday night, I noticed this little fleck of skin that was still attached to the fruit. I think its shape says it all:

"Ayiti cheri"

Anyway, my travels yesterday were pretty uneventful - which is what you pray for whenever you fly internationally! Will had to work yesterday afternoon, so Scott and Mark picked me up at the airport on their own. I am not kidding when I say that Mark looks like he has grown three inches in the three weeks I've been gone! I was all but speechless when I saw them waiting for me because I couldn't get over how tall he is. We made a quick stop at Chick-Fil-A in Newnan since I had forgotten to eat lunch yesterday and soon made it home, safe and sound. It was a sweet symmetry to walk in the door and see Will watching the World Cup, since I've been watching a good bit of it with the teenagers at CLS. As tired as I was - and as happy as I was to crash on our sofa! - I hopped in the car with Will to go pick up something for his supper. He filled me in on what he wore to have his senior portraits made (senior portraits what in the what?!?), his class schedule for next year, how great camp was at SIFAT. Just the sound of his voice was music to my ears. When I'd first walked in the door, our two dogs were jumping and running around in blissful jubilation that I was home. I tried to convince Will that he was supposed to react to my homecoming in the exact same way that the dogs had - but there's that Middleton DNA again. :)

A hot shower and a bubble bath were further confirmation that I'm not in Haiti anymore. Luckily, blessedly, thankfully, hopefully, prayerfully, beseechingly - there's always next time! Please Lord, let there always be a next time. 

Until then...

Pacing Myself

I guess I fell off the blogging wagon (which reminds me of a Seinfeld episode, but that's not really the point). Since my last post, the team from First Baptist Church in Williams, Alabama has left and a new team from Beulah Baptist Church in Winter Garden, Florida has arrived. It's amazing to see how much teams can accomplish while there're here and makes me that much more excited about bringing a team back next month!

The two weeks I was here during summer school last year flew by in a flash, so I am grateful that the pacing has been different this time. Usually when I'm here, I feel like every second I'm not with the kids is time wasted - but there's no way I could keep that up for three weeks! So I've allowed myself the leisure of more downtime this trip. Which is interesting, because I feel like I've spent pretty much [can I just say that autocorrect changed "pretty much" to "preyed ichthyosaurs"? That I'm ever able to hit "publish" on this blog is a bigger accomplishment than y'all even know] the same amount of time in the yard with the kids, but I guess the difference is maybe that I go down there without an agenda or feeling like there's anything I need to accompish. I just love them and I love being with them. The opportunity to do so at my "leisure" is such a blessing!

Oh, Kervenson! 

Now, I feel like there's almost nothing about that last paragraph that made sense. Maybe my blogging wagon has a wobbly axle? It probably doesn't help woke up around 4:30 this morning with a not entirely irrational fear that I'll get the mosquito-borne chikengunya virus before I leave on Friday. I seriously just laid in the bed, pleading with Jesus to spare me from this sickness that is running rampant through Haiti this summer. We've got a few girls still in the recovery phase, so we're not in an acute situation with the kids here the way we were the week before last. But the mosquitos are everywhere! I woke up yesterday morning and there were four of them just hanging out on the outside of my mosquito net. Bloodsuckers. So, of course I go to trying to kill them by clapping my hands around them like a maniac - at 7:30 on a Saturday morning, with my roommates sound asleep. And it's almost impossible to avoid mosquito bites, even though I'm layering/alternating essential oil blends with conventional DEET.  I think the only person I've seen here who hasn't gotten any bites was one of the sweet ladies on the Williams team who offered to leave the 100% DEET spray she'd been using. Yikes! I asked her if she thought she'd sustained any nerve damage from it, but she seemed like she was in pretty good shape. :)

David, Tammy, Josh, Katy, Ashleigh and I went on a big outing (for me, anyway) on Thursday. Ms. Sherrie wanted to make sure the kids here would have a good way to watch the World Cup, which is of course a huge deal in Haiti. David was able to get a TV antenna and set it up under the awning on the roof so they get the advantages of both the shade and the sea breezes while they watch the games. First, we went to a huge furniture store across from the US Embassy that reminded me of the palacial stores around High Point, North Carolina. There was definite sticker shock when I looked at the prices, but I think the people around here who can afford to shop there aren't really too worried about it.

Then we went to MSC+ which is like Home Depot (but is not the same as Eko Depot which I've always heard described as being like Home Depot, so maybe I should say that MSC+ is a lot like Lowe's?). There were some very well-priced items there, so I apparently it's all about shopping smart - just like anywhere else in the world! After that, we stopped at BelMart for groceries, so that's two grocery stores I've been to on this trip. I can no longer claim that I never go anywhere while I'm here! 

The United States Embassy (seems legit)

On Friday morning, I rode with Edmond to pick up the CLS distribution from Food For the Poor. There are several relief agencies that make regularly scheduled donations, which makes a huge impact when you consider the number of people that CLS feeds every day, especially when school is in session. FFTP is actually just a few blocks from the school in a large building that is easily visible from the balcony where we enjoy our meals here. This was the first time I've traveled to that side of the neighborhood, though, so it was nice to get a little better understanding of the surrounding community. I think Friday was the last day of school for many Haitian schools, so I'm glad I had the opportunity to see so many sweet children in their brightly colored, perfectly starched uniforms, walking to school hand-in-hand with mom or dad. Just like watching families on their way to worship on a Sunday morning, it's a blessing to see the priority placed on education for as many families as can manage it.   

Knowing that we would be waiting at FFTP for awhile, Ms. Sherrie offered to let me borrow a book from her personal library. I chose one called The Big Truck That Went By: How the World Came to Save Haiti and Left Behind a Disaster by Jonathan Katz. The author was the only American reporter on the scene here when the earthquake struck. I'm only about a hundred pages into it, and Ms. Sherrie said the language gets pretty salty toward the end, but I've already learned a great deal from reading it. From amazon.com: “Beautifully-written, brave, and riveting, The Big Truck That Went By tells the devastating story of the post-earthquake reconstruction effort in Haiti. Weaving together his personal experiences with the knowledge gained from his intensive investigative report, Katz offers us an autopsy of a global relief effort gone wrong. But the book also offers us a moving portrait of the courage, humor, and vision of the Haitians he worked with, offering a glimpse of the possibilities for a different future. Anyone seeking to understand Haiti’s current situation, as well as the broader impasses of our current model of aid, should read this book." —Laurent Dubois, author of Haiti: The Aftershocks of History

Friday afternoon we went swimming at a nearby guesthouse, which was delightfully cooling & relaxing. I know: it's a tough life, right?

And then yesterday's outing was extra-special: Cafe Rebo! I thought Josh and Tammy were nuts when they said we could walk there, because we'd have to cross Airport Road on foot. But the promise of iced coffee and air conditioning was too much to pass up (plus, there's a median in the middle of Airport Road, so it's not too much like a game of Frogger). Rebo is the premium coffee brand in Haiti, and the Cafe is their version of Starbucks, right across the street from their warehouse. It. was. perfection. Josh, Tammy, Katy, Ashleigh and I enjoyed the walk through the neighborhood market and then to the main road. I had never been that far afield on foot before - it's maybe a 10-15 minute walk - and the yummy rewards that await at Cafe Rebo are worth it! 

Chocolate Caramel Frappe - aahhhhh...

Cafe Rebo with (L-R) Ashleigh, Katy, Josh and Tammy

On the way back, we ran into Watson and Cherline in the market. They are students in the afternoon LB class, so that was a special surprise. There's not much to compare with a sweet smile from a familiar face in the middle of a crowded marketplace!

We were blessed to attend Port au Prince Fellowship again this morning. The music was once again great - and I found out on Facebook after church today that one of the songs at the AUMC Resonate service this morning was 10,000 Reasons (Bless The Lord), which was also one of the songs we sang at PAPF! Often on Sunday mornings, I'll pause during worship and wonder what's happening at worship here, what songs the kids have sung, what message they've heard - and then I look at my watch and realize there's probably not any overlap between the time when I'm at worship and when they are. But then on our church-wide winter retreat this February, Reverend Olu Brown shared about the difference in our time (chronos) and God's time (kairos). Since then, I've kind of given my worship experience over to God's time with the assurance that He can somehow weave it into that of the kids here. So, to have had the same song span both chronos & kairos today struck me as pretty cool!

The final song we sang at PAPF this morning was Jesus Paid it All. As we sang the final chorus, the worship leader asked us to really sing it with everything we had. Suddenly, I could hear Jovenel's voice rising above all the others around me, proclaiming:

Oh, praise the one who paid my debt

And raised this life up from the dead

My heart is full, just thinking about it. 

With Jovenel at Port au Prince Fellowship

Whether driving home from church today or in all these "off-campus" adventures this week, there were wonderful sights on the streets that I would love to have captured with a photo. But I just can't bring myself to point a camera phone at people as they are going about their daily lives. Once, I had a guy take my picture at a gas station in Auburn because he said I looked like Julianne Moore. It was random and weird - and it made me wonder where the heck that picture was going to end up. So, although I've gotten some cool glimpses into daily life around here, I'll be tucking them away in my heart rather than posting them here or on Facebook. 

Who's your team? Brazil's colors are on the right, Argentina's are on the left - these are the newly-painted lane barriers on Route de Delmas

Even with all the fun outings and changes of scenery, my heart is always most content here at Christian Light. Whether it's cuddling with one of the little ones, or a conversation about the nature of evil as illustrated in Star Wars, or visiting with the handul of ninth graders who have come to school on their own on a Saturday morning to study for their upcoming national exam: I am just so grateful to have been given this much time here. I will leave in Friday, which on one hand will be too soon. But on the other hand, I've never been away from home this long, so I eagerly anticipate settling into a summertime routine (or is that an oxymoron?) with all three of my boys. Of course, I say that - but Scott will be off to Bolivia before we know it and then he'll be the only one left at home when Will, Mark & I come back to CLS with an AUMC team at the end of July. 

You might see two soccer goals & a piece of plywood, but these kiddos see a DIY pickup truck! 

I suppose what I learned after I left CLS last summer is that I have to find the grace and gratitide in all of it: in the comings and the goings, in the greetings and goodbyes. I wouldn't have it any other way. 

(Except for the mosquito bites. I haven't quite figured out how to be grateful for those!)

And I hear the Savior say

Thy strength indeed is small

Child of weakness, watch and pray

Find in Me thine all in all

For more information about Christian Light School and Children's Home, please visit www.clshaiti.org

Glimpses

I'm trying to remember the little moments when I've thought, "Oh! I need to blog about that!" Those little glimpses of things here that catch my attention briefly but wondrously, like the brush of a butterfly's wings.

Things like riding down the street and seeing a young man settling a piece of crushed cardboard as padding on the top his head, before his friend lifts a flat of 24 glass bottles full of Coca Cola that he'll carry on his head as he walks down the street. The strength in his bearing, but also the grace required for his balance.

Seeing that same strength and grace when Jovenel and Richardson together fill and then carry a 5 gallon bucket of water to their room for bathing, Richardon's free hand resting on Jovenel's shoulder to help balance them both.

More than once, the arms of a feverish little boy clinging to my neck, desperate for an refuge from the fever and the pain, has brought tears to my eyes. Before I came, people asked what I would be doing this trip. I knew that I wanted to have some time with "my" afternoon LB classes before the school year was over, but that was about all I knew for sure and that would only cover a handful of the 20 days I'll be here this time. It turns out that chickengunya virus was about to hit hard with the kids in the children's home - but David has been busy with the fantastically productive teams that have been here, while Tammy has been busy taking over many of the duties of the Haitian staff ladies who have gotten the virus, as well. So this has been perfect timing - perhaps even ordained timing? -for an extra pair of hands around here. Even if God has brought me here at this time solely to care for these kids while they've been sick (and we probably still haven't seen the end of it), then the entire trip will have been worth it for me.

Much of what I have been doing is dosing meds and filling up water bottles to try and keep them hydrated. But there's also been a whole lot of rocking and singing and that gentle back-scratching that was my favorite thing for my mother to do when I was little bitty and didn't feel good. I've had kids of all sizes curl up in my lap over the past week and I've done my best to soothe away the worst of the symptoms. 

Headache has hit some of the kids particularly hard, so I offered to massage the temples of one of the teenage boys (who shall remain nameless for the sake of social media!) who was having a hard time finding relief, even with the meds. So, he sat in the yard while I stood behind him and massaged his temples and the sides of his head, because that's what I always do when Scott has a headache. It seemed to help the pain - but had the added beneift of being riotous entertainment for the boys in the neighborhood who could see us through the gate. Apparently, it was quite the spectacle! I have no idea what they were saying about it - I probably don't even want to know - but when I walked next door on Sunday to check on some of the Haitian workers who are sick, I had quite a following of neighborhood boys by the time I got back to the gate. I don't think they quite know what to make of me, which cracks me up. There's one guy who, every time he sees me, calls out, "chiken, chiken!" so I've started replying with, "gunya, gunya!" Even among the teenage boys who live here, there is a great deal of theatrical pantomime of my checking everyone's fever with my hands on their arms and necks and trying to coax them into drinking some water. So it's nice that I can provide some TLC - as well as our own little version of SNL. :)

Another particular blessing was being here with Jovenel on his birthday last Friday! He woke up with a headache & fever, & I thought for sure that he had gotten chikengunya for his birthday. But a single dose of Tylenol seemed to knock out whatever it was. Even though he's a big 12-year-old boy now, on the afternoon before his birthday, Jovenel let me pull him into my lap and rock him for awhile. I explained that I had gotten to rock Will & Mark when they were little, but I had missed the chance to rock him. I asked if he thought I was crazy, and he smiled a little & nodded - but he indulged me anyway. We had a good, long talk and made another sweet memory together. 

Jovenel & sweet Wiskenly took quite a few pics with my phone the other day - this one is my favorite! 

One other thing that has taken me by surprise is the way God can use an iPhone playlist to capture my attention and remind me of Who He is and why I'm here. I wrote last night about going to church at Port-au-Prince Fellowship and how meaningful the service was on Sunday. I've attended worship there a handul of times now, and it's always been meaningful, in one way or another. They have a great worship band there, and last summer I heard a handful of songs for the first time that would become the basis of my Haiti playlist that I use to more or less curate my feelings about everything that is happening in my heart, my mind and my soul when I'm here - and when I'm not. One of the songs was Oceans by Hillsong United, which I had never heard before they played it at PAPF last June. The lyrics are perfectly powerful for someone like me who has always had the ease of practicing (as Casting Crowns puts it) "deep water faith in the shallow end" but is somehow seeking to trust God, wherever He would call me. That song became kind of a cornerstone for many of us who were serving here last summer, so the first time that our Resonate band at AUMC sang it, I was astonished at the way the Holy Spirit could use corporate worship to speak to me so intimately.

The other song that kind of took my breath away at PAPF last summer was Break Every Chain by Jesus Culture. It's a powerful song on a variety of levels, but one of the primary reasons I was here at that time was to teach the class of restavek children (the Late Bloomer class that I've mentioned in previous posts) who attend school in the afternoons here at Christian Light. So, I had given my heart away to these amazing kids who are literally classified as enslaved by the United Nations - and we start singing a song during worship with the lyrics, "There is power in the name of Jesus to break every chain." I was immediately wrecked. Crying (wet neck then, too - not cute!) and praying and crying out in my heart that the power of Jesus will indeed break the physcial, spiritual and emotional chains that have shackled the precious lives of these kids. 

In fact, one of the boys in the class had worn this shirt to school the Friday before:

June 21, 2013

Again, I'd never heard the song before that Sunday last summmer, but it's another one that we've sung in Resonate at AUMC. That song is another thread that God has used me to both bind me and draw me back to Haiti. So, music has been a powerful influence on my spiritual development and sustenance in the past year - enough so that I don't know why it still surprises me when the Holy Spirit uses music as a means of either revelation or confirmation.

I mentioned in a previous post that last Tuesday the LB class ended up with a substitute teacher. Because I love them so (and perhaps because they literally chanted my name when I walked in the room!) I told the substitute he could go and that I would be their teacher for the afternoon. I did this without a translator in the room, so I don't even know what I was thinking - other than that I'm always grateful for time with them, so why not? After we worked a little on an English lesson, I decided maybe we could just enjoy some music together. So, I got out my bluetooth speaker, turned my Haiti playlist on shuffle and the one song out of 39 to play is Break Every Chain. [Well, of course it was, Lindsey - try to keep up!]

So, what else could I do but try to teach them to sing it?  The initial line is also the chorus and it's very repetitive. So I taught them the sign language for Jesus, and then we pantomimed fists crossed in shackles that we pulled apart with fingers wide when we sang the words "break every chain." They loved it! Did they understand the words and their theological application? Probably not. But it was a reminder to me of how God can use anything at any time to speak to your heart and draw your eye to the things He wants you to see. And if He does it for me, then I can rest assured that He will continue to do it in the lives of these kids, as well - despite their circumstances. It was also a reminder that the chains that bind people come in many forms, and the illusion that these kids are the only people I know in bondage is just that: an illusion. So, that song is always a prompt to pray for those in the "chains" that I can see - and for the ones in chains I can scarely imagine.

Selfie with some of the girls in the LB class at their end of the year party yesterday

It's almost time to go downstairs and start my day. Of course, I have more that I would love to write about, but I'm not going to get very far today if I stay in my pajamas. So, I'll sign off in gratitiude for the ongoing prayers and support from all the people who have made it possible for me to be here. I can't think of a better verse to close with than my favorite verse in all the Bible:

The Lord your God is with you. He is mighty to save. He will take great delight over you. He will quiet you with His love and rejoice over you with singing. - Zephaniah 3:17

Indeed. 

Running To Your Arms

So, apparently the thing about blogging is that the more you have to write about, the less time you have to write it.

I have so much I want to share, but taking care of a succession of about 15 of the kids who live here who've had the chikengunya virus, I've been too wiped out to string any coherent thoughts together. 

However, church was an incredibly special experience yesterday, and I want to write about it while it's still fresh on my mind and in my heart. 

On the way to the airport last Saturday, Scott asked me what I was looking forward to the most about coming back to Haiti. Even though the list was long, the first thing out of my mouth was, "going to church with Jovenel." 

The American staff here attend an amazing ex-pat, English-speaking church called Port-au-Prince Fellowship. Some of the older boys here in the children's home also attend there on a regular basis (the other kids who live at CLS go to a neighborhood Haitian church). Jovenel is starting to earn some of the privileges of being a "big boy" around here (he turned 12 on Friday!), so he is now included among the group that attends PAPF. 

Jovenel & me at Epidor on Saturday. David, Katy & I got to take the children's home kids (who were well enough to go) for ice cream as a reward for those who memorized & recited 1 Thessalonians Chapter 1 (yes: the entire chapter!). 

The Sunday before Christmas when all five of us were here & got to attend church together was a special time for our family. But on my first Sunday here last week, we didn't have room in the truck for the boys to join us, so I was a little sad to have missed the chance to attend worship with Jovenel. (Although that was also the Sunday we had a flat tire on the way to church, so that may have all worked out for the best, anyway.)

So, it was already a blessing just to be at church with Jovenel on Sunday. But before I tell you the rest of the story, I have to cut and paste here what I wrote on Facebook after we returned from our first family trip in March 2013: 

Epiphany Sunday – January 6, 2013 – lived up to its name for me. I was preparing my heart for our upcoming family trip to Christian Light School and Children’s Home (CLS) in Port-au-Prince, Haiti. And I was sitting next to Shanda Foster who had just returned from Haiti where she and her family, along with three other AUMC families, had spent their Christmas at CLS. Up until the moment the service started, Shanda and I were talking about how we as individuals, as families and as a congregation could go beyond periodic mission trips and truly be present in the work that God is doing at and through CLS.

During the sermon, Brother Charles Cummings shared a story that Anthony De Mello tells about a far-off land where a disciple is asked about miracles and replies, "Well, there are miracles and miracles. In your land it is regarded as a miracle if God does someone's will. In our country it is regarded as a miracle if someone does the will of God." Wow.

BC shared this statement in anticipation of how God might be calling each of us in 2013: "There is no situation in life that God’s grace cannot meet you there. Then he went on to ask this question: In 2013, how can you make God’s plain for others? How can you make God’s love visible in a simple, tangible, way?" 

Later in the sermon: “Don’t miss out on anything that God is doing. We’re called to find the dark gaps and just let God’s love shine, so that others can see… that others can be guided

… that others can know that they are loved and know that they are somebody – in the eyes of God and in our eyes, as well.”

Not only did I feel like BC’s words were a direct confirmation of every instinct I had about traveling to Haiti, the music that day spoke to me, as well. Tim Chambliss can correct me if I’m wrong, but I remember singing “Forever Reign” (and if we didn’t sing it that Sunday, we sang it soon after, because I remember crying through the chorus):

 Oh, I'm running to Your arms

 I'm running to Your arms

 The riches of Your love

 Will always be enough

 Nothing compares to Your embrace

 Light of the world, forever reign

What I felt as I sang was this: going to Haiti and running to the arms of Jesus were one and the same.

Fast forward to March 23, 2013 – the day we finally arrived in Haiti. God had definitely used Jovenel, the 10 year old boy whom we sponsor at Christian Light, to call me to Haiti. Literally. Scott and Will had both been to CLS before and spent treasured time with Jovenel in person, but on their trip in May 2012, Jovenel declared that he wanted Mark and me to come on the next trip. So, we began making plans to do just that. Through letters exchanged with Jovenel for some time, I felt that I both knew and loved him – and I eagerly anticipated the day when I could wrap by arms around this child who had already claimed my heart. That moment was just as sweet as I had imagined, and I am so grateful that Scott was able to capture the instant when he leapt into my arms. What you don’t see here is that after our initial embrace, he gently tightened the grip of his arms around my neck – simply, wordlessly, holding on to me, as I lost track of time and everything else that was going on around me. An answered prayer for both of us. 

Looking at this picture now, all I know is this: running to the arms of Jesus led me straight into the arms of a very special little boy. I don’t know where God might be calling you, but I know from experience that His grace waits for you there, with a richness and a fullness that you and I could scarcely imagine on our own.

And because people can’t resist asking: Jovenel is not available for adoption. He already has a home at Christian Light, and we are privileged to anticipate the time that we will spend with him – along with the other children and teenagers that have become so dear to us – there. Whatever Jovenel’s future may hold, he will always be able to count on our love and support. I’m guessing that my arms will always feel a little empty when I’m not with him, but I also know how full they’ll be the next time I travel to Haiti.

Any guesses as to what song we sang at church yesterday at Port-au-Prince Fellowship? Y'all. Really. What are the odds that this one song that always makes me cry when we sing it at AUMC's Resonate service - because that first photo of Jovenel and me is always what I see in my head as we sing it - would be one of the songs Jovenel & I would sing together, standing side by side during worship?

I stood there, awe-struck, trying to sing - but mostly just crying. [Like: crying so much that my neck was wet with tears. It wasn't cute.] 

There's a lot I don't understand about the Holy Spirit, but that was an absolutely anointed moment yesterday - one that began all the way back in January of last year. 

Yesterday was also communion Sunday. Pastor John had us come and receive the elements and then take them back to our seats and hold them until we could all partake of them at once. Sitting there with the communion elements in one hand, clasping Jovenel's hand with the other, was such a sweet, holy moment. My heart swells with gratitude, just thinking about it. 

God is at work here in Haiti in so many ways. He is also at work in me - in ways that I probably can't begin to understand. But as I sit here under a moonlit sky and think about what that worship service meant to me yesterday, I wonder if I got a glimpse into the meaning of Acts 17:28 - "For in Him we live and move and have our being." My prayer is that I can live and move in Him in a way that allows Him to live and move in me. 

Amen.